Occasionally a Total Bitch.

(prompted by Ms. Rachel Kramer Bussel's post here. )

You know, it amazes me the contortions the meaning of a word can go through. The way people use it with eachother, making a new meaning for it within their tiny wee dialect of whatever common language. The way people throw it at other people.

What makes a woman a bitch?
Is it because I refuse to let you go anywhere without me on your arm? Do I spike your drink with something awful just so you have to come to me to get the antidote? Did I refuse to ever let your voice be heard? Did I do or say evil, wicked things to you?

Or is it because I went somewhere without you on my arm? Because I actually answered you when you asked what I needed instead of just mouthing the things you could deal with hearing? Is it because you couldn't think of any other word to hit me with to make me back up, your way of not addressing the actual problem, throwing verbal rocks at this dog till she runs off into the wild. Hm?

I have no idea what prompted that exchange for her, but just reading that snapshot, my fists ball up. Whoever let her feel like there's no place for some bitchiness when you're defining and defending your emotional territory needs a wakeup call. Even if it's herself. From what little I've read of this lady's writing, I'd say she's about as far from the concept "bitch" as it's possible to be. Is that automatically a good thing? Maybe not. But it does mean that whoever laid the word "bitch" on her in the first place is in need of a thesaurus and some time to find a word that actually applies. Because hurting people for sport requires much better communication than that, and her consent to play the game.

My definition.
My definition of "bitch" when used as an insult involves clawraking selfishness, my-way-or-the-highway attitudes that leave every living being cowering in the wake of you. It's the boss who paints her nails while you do every stitch of everything she's responsible for and then rakes you over the coals for asking her to do something that only she can, all while drawing a salary half again higher than yours. Entitlement. My definition of "bitch" involves a deep-seated sense of entitlement to everything. I'm talking over and above the call of normal balance.

Demanding that balance does not make you a bitch, even if it does make you sound like one for as long as it takes to state your case.

Examples:
You've had a nice evening. Dinner, coffee, maybe a few drinks, a nice walk back to your door. Kissing his cheek and leaving him at the doorstep does not constitute "bitch."

You've been a silent doormat, used and taken for granted. Finally standing up one day with an opinion and the will to see your own needs met for once does not constitute "bitch."

Telling the truth, even when it's uncomfortable, does not constitute "bitch" unless you're doing it specifically to hurt the person you're talking to so they'll crack and give you what you want. For the record, that also classifies as adolescent.

Spewing verbal abuse on the host/ess at a high end restaurant because the pretty table near the window that you want but didn't reserve isn't open constitutes "bitch".

Are we on the same page?

~sigh, shakes head~
No real point here, much as I wish there was.

I'm not telling you not to care, sweet girl; you wouldn't be yourself if you didn't.

I'm asking why you do and why that and why that, because change without comprehension is like a skin graft over gangrene--it may look pretty for a little while, but the pain's still there under the surface and it'll show soon. And sometimes grokking "why" is enough to make the tendancies easier to carry.

If I were in NYC or you here in Huntsville, I would make coffee and brownies and we could have this conversation all day.
Alas, you know?